Monday, February 21

Endings, Beginnings, Potentiality

I've reached the end of one phase of my life, and now I'm trying my best to handle the transition ethically and with wisdom and compassion.

I feel that my marriage did not end suddenly. On the contrary, it ended not with a bang but with a long series of whimpers moans, shouts, allegations and imprecations.

I simply reached my own limit, you see. There is no rancor in my heart, just a deep weariness, and an optimism about letting nature take its course. I don't want anyone to be hurt any further, and if I stayed, Gini and I would both be hurt more. It's a lousy situation, a really bad break, and if I could hop into the DeLorean time machine and go back and fix the roots causes of this dilemma, I wouldn't hesitate. But Doc Brown is nowehere to be found, and I have to go back to the present.

I'm strangely hopeful that things will turn out well. Throughout this process, I have not stopped loving Gini, and I don't plan to. But I can't live with her anymore. I feel she's on a toxic death trip, and without meaning to, she'll take me down with her if I let her.

So I give up. Surrender. White flag. No mas. Let me up, I've had enough. As Aimee Mann puts it, "I couldn't stem the tide of overwhelm, and thirst."

That's from a song called "Real Bad News."

There's another song of Aimee's that was the soundtrack of a New Year's Eve epiphany. As I walked out, alone, to see the fireworks in the cold sky over Saratoga, these lines occurred to me. I sang them to the moon when the fireworks stopped. For this, please change genders of pronouns and assume that I am singing the song to Gini...

"Today's the fourth of Juy
Another June has gone by
And as they light up our town
I just think
'What a waste of gunpowder and sky!'

I know that I am alone
In harboring thoughts of our home
It's one of my faults that i can't quell my past
I ought to have gotten it gone
I ought to have gotten it...

Oh baby, I wonder if when you are older, someday,
You'll wake up and say, 'My God, I should have to told her'
What would it take?
Now here I am and the worlds gotten colder
And she's got the river down which I sold her

So that's today's memory lane
With all of its pathos and pain
Another chapter in a book where the chapters are endless
And they're always the same
A verse and a verse and refrain..."
--Aimee Mann, "4th of July"

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