Monday, February 21

Farewell, Dr. Gonzo

Hunter S. Thompson, Dead at 67

Author takes own life in "fortified compound."

Bad craziness, indeed.

We need to give him a viking funeral. Something savage and brutally inappropriate.

Endings, Beginnings, Potentiality

I've reached the end of one phase of my life, and now I'm trying my best to handle the transition ethically and with wisdom and compassion.

I feel that my marriage did not end suddenly. On the contrary, it ended not with a bang but with a long series of whimpers moans, shouts, allegations and imprecations.

I simply reached my own limit, you see. There is no rancor in my heart, just a deep weariness, and an optimism about letting nature take its course. I don't want anyone to be hurt any further, and if I stayed, Gini and I would both be hurt more. It's a lousy situation, a really bad break, and if I could hop into the DeLorean time machine and go back and fix the roots causes of this dilemma, I wouldn't hesitate. But Doc Brown is nowehere to be found, and I have to go back to the present.

I'm strangely hopeful that things will turn out well. Throughout this process, I have not stopped loving Gini, and I don't plan to. But I can't live with her anymore. I feel she's on a toxic death trip, and without meaning to, she'll take me down with her if I let her.

So I give up. Surrender. White flag. No mas. Let me up, I've had enough. As Aimee Mann puts it, "I couldn't stem the tide of overwhelm, and thirst."

That's from a song called "Real Bad News."

There's another song of Aimee's that was the soundtrack of a New Year's Eve epiphany. As I walked out, alone, to see the fireworks in the cold sky over Saratoga, these lines occurred to me. I sang them to the moon when the fireworks stopped. For this, please change genders of pronouns and assume that I am singing the song to Gini...

"Today's the fourth of Juy
Another June has gone by
And as they light up our town
I just think
'What a waste of gunpowder and sky!'

I know that I am alone
In harboring thoughts of our home
It's one of my faults that i can't quell my past
I ought to have gotten it gone
I ought to have gotten it...

Oh baby, I wonder if when you are older, someday,
You'll wake up and say, 'My God, I should have to told her'
What would it take?
Now here I am and the worlds gotten colder
And she's got the river down which I sold her

So that's today's memory lane
With all of its pathos and pain
Another chapter in a book where the chapters are endless
And they're always the same
A verse and a verse and refrain..."
--Aimee Mann, "4th of July"

Sunday, February 20

Urge for Going - Gone

For my final project before leaving on Friday for a monthlong meditation retreat, I put together a mixed media hyperlinked piece incorporating prose and illustrations from my gallery. It put these past 2 months into narrative form, with pretty pictures.

I thought it would be the summum bonum of my recent work, tying everything together into one beautiful, harmonious package. I loved it so.

While I was proofreading it and checking the hyperlinks to make sure everything was just so, the slightest possible error (a mistaken keyboard shortcut) closed the window with the unsubmitted form. When I re-opened the window and went back, the form was empty.

Reminds me of the Prajnaparamita Heart Sutra: Oh Shariputra, form is emptiness and emptiness is form...

It was a sign, a portent, a lesson, a joke, the perfect period to an imperfect life sentence.

I won't be attempting to reconstruct this piece. It was called "Urge for Going: An Illustrated Story of Dukkha and Its Cessation." I apologized to Joni Mitchell for stealing her title, and explained to Constant Reader that it should be considered an "Apologia Pro Mi Vita." I even included links to the guitar tablature and lyrics to "Urge for Going" and the definition of "apologia."

Form is emptiness, and emptiness is form.

Fortunately, I'm laughing (quietly) about it. Rueful laughter is still laughter, and this morning, I'll take laughter in nearly any (empty) form.

Urge for Going --- began like this [edited slightly for clarity]:

"Today is Sunday, the 20th day of February.

"I leave for a monthlong meditation retreat at Cloud Mountain Retreat Center in Washington on Friday February 25th..."

---------------------------------------- ---------------

I dedicate "Urge for Going" to everyone who would have read it.

Now I'm going to start my sitting meditation practice, as I try to do each and every morning. There are still seven minutes before noon.

I am not going to be become silent on Friday. I'm going to become silence.

I post this now without proofreading it.

Non Seqiteurial

  1. Dirty work:: fool
  2. Shopkeeper:: monkey
  3. Goodness:: alive
  4. Yearning:: pine
  5. Show and tell:: doctor
  6. Trapped:: ...prefer not to say...
  7. Malcolm:: X
  8. Season:: of the Witch
  9. Bestseller:: Davies (???)
  10. Desk:: top

Friday, February 18

this is an audio post - click to play

Monday, February 14

this is an audio post - click to play

this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, February 13

Unconscious Mutterings

Let's play free association. Ready? OK...

  1. Judge:: jury
  2. Detroit:: Michigan
  3. Hyphen:: colon
  4. Get it right:: the first time
  5. Pulsating:: [censored]
  6. Yoga:: breathing
  7. Memorable:: time
  8. Financial advisor:: money
  9. Ten million:: Ed McMahon
  10. I::

Friday, February 11

this is an audio post - click to play

Thursday, February 10


Today has the interesting distinction of being both a sick day and a snow day, so I have even more excuses than usual to accomplish precisely nothing.

It's funny: back in the day, when I was but a wee bairn, I LOVED getting sick, because it meant I could stay home from school and curl up on the couch and catch up on my reading and watch movies on HBO... In my unreliable memory, I see myself cozying up to kids who came to school even when they were sick, just so I could infect myself with whatever they had.

Some of the happiest times in my schooling included the second grade, when I had chickenpox, and in the seventh grade when an ear infection kept me home for the better part of a month. I remember lying in bed all night in agony, not wanting to wake up my Mom, so I just lay there waiting until morning, crying silently, enduring...

The weather is rubbish today, so my Tai Chi class will most likely be cancelled, and I'm not entirely displeased about that...


A shiny thing!

Monday, February 7

this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, February 6

this is an audio post - click to play

Saturday, February 5

this is an audio post - click to play

Friday, February 4


In the tarotChallenge2005 account:

Major Arcana: Temperance

Card 14 of the Tarot series.

Mara's Daughters

Newly uploaded at dA:

Mara's Daughters


Review of "The Stepford Wives" by Gini

Over at The Movie Lovers, Gini has posted her long-awaited review of "The Stepford Wives" on DVD.

Hey, I forgot to review "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"...

Thursday, February 3


Makyo: a term used in Zen buddhism to refer to a world of confusing
and seemingly mystical hallucinations that one can fall into during
deep meditation.

Since blogger isn't displaying my images properly now, here are links to my deviantART gallery:

Makyo, Redux

Back and front.

Wednesday, February 2

this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, February 1

Once In A Lifetime

Same as it ever was... same as it ever was... same as it ever was...

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