Friday, June 4
Once again, Rusty and I went up to the house to work on cleaning it out yesterday, and once again, I'm feeling sick the next day. I've had 2 bouts of liquid diarrhea this morning. What is more, I succumbed to sickness of another sort last night -- instead of my usual desire to go to sleep ASAP, I felt afraid to go to sleep. More accurately, I think I was afraid to lie there not sleeping. This fear turned out to be well-founded. Present thoughout the body were those icky awful sensations that Shinzen Young talks about, and there was a strong desire to hit myself. Eventually suicide fantasies arose. The sense was, I would do anything to avoid having to go to the house again. Eventually I got up out of bed to email Chris, but when I saw what I had written, I was afraid to send it, so I deleted the email.
Today, the worst of that mental state has passed, and I'm just left with the physical yuck that will eventually pass through my system. Gini has very kindly encouraged me to refrain from going on the grocery shopping trip today.
For encouragement, I looked up "illness" in the Subject Index at Access to Insight, and found AN X.60, the Girimananda Sutta, in which Ven. Ananda goes to the Buddha and tells him that Ven. Girimananda is seriously ill. The Buddha replies:
Ananda, if you go to the monk Girimananda and tell him ten perceptions, it's possible that when he hears the ten perceptions his disease may be allayed. Which ten? The perception of inconstancy, the perception of not-self, the perception of unattractiveness, the perception of drawbacks, the perception of abandoning, the perception of dispassion, the perception of cessation, the perception of distaste for every world, the perception of the undesirability of all fabrications, mindfulness of in-&-out breathing.
The 10 perceptions are then explained in detail,
Oh man, I feel yet another bout of diarrhea on the way. Yet another one of the drawbacks of a body.