Tuesday, May 4
In a subtle but true way, my practice has drifted off-course a bit recently. It's become goal-oriented (again), trying only to generate enough samadhi and pleasant feeling for the piti and sukha of the first jhana to arise. And, consequently, that very striving has been keeping that desired state from arising.
More than that, I've been wandering, not really focusing on expansion of metta the way I should. The pleasantness usually does arise, but not much samadhi, because I don't stick with one object for very long, but just sort of drift from one to another.
I feel chagrinned, shocked as if slapped awake. What is needed is more formal structure, I think -- a return to the classical way.