Monday, May 31

The Daily Sitting Report

Sat for approximately 1 hour, first using metta then breath as object. Pretty scattered, but not unpleasant. Not as peaceful as it could have been... Knowing that I have to remember to go and pick up our brunch from the Memorial Day is probably keeping me from really letting go into the meditation. There's probably a faint anxiety that I'll lose track of time -- a hindrance.

I strongly wish that I didn't have to go up there and face that loud, madding crowd in order to obtain our daily provisions. I strongly wish I could just stay here where it's quiet and peaceful, and I didn't have to deal with all those people (and that I didn't have to deal with all my anxiety about dealing with all those people).

Oh well, if wishes were fishes... Heck, if wishes were fishes, I wouldn't have to go out... ;-)

Sunday, May 30



Proof, if any were needed, that I do in fact go outside on occasion.
Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.

Second walk today...


Walking out in the mid-day sun; a pleasure I rarely indulge. I brought the digital camera, captured some images, went inside and downloaded them onto the computer, then went out & repeated the process. It did me a world of good to get out in the fresh air, and I actually LIKED many of the images after the fact. That's a rarity, too: usually the harsh self-criticism sets in afterward, retroactively spoiling my fun... Enough of that; life's too long when it's made so unpleasant in that fashion...

Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.

Abu Ghraib

abughraib Sometimes the only way to exorcise an image is to draw it...
Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.


A peaceful hourlong sitting with some occasional mild rapture. The new default is to do the golden light metta visualization as the appetizer, followed by anapanasati for the entree.

Good. Nice. Stable. Serene.

Part of this equation could be that I was back this a.m. to having an Atkins bar, instead of the Balance bars I'd been having the past couple of weeks. It could be as simple as that: the Atkins bars, being low-carb oriented, don't have sugar in them...

Also, it seems very, very likely that, with all the chest pain I'd been having (and continue to have) and the consequent increase in the Klonopins [clonazepam], a whopping dose of chemical toxicity has been building up in my system, and that's why I've felt like I've been getting progressively worse and worse... My chemical sensitivity is, of course, infamous. So, starting yesterday afternoon/evening, I've been drinking lots of water, trying to flush out my system. Obviously I've been urinating a great deal, but I also notice a subtle subjective improvement in how I feel physically. That painful, burning feeling behind my forehead has begun to lessen; and that's a sensation that has always been associated with my periods of emotional difficulty & inner torment...

So -- the plan is to keep drinking more water, keep flushing out the system. And pleasant abiding, to make my experience of the world more agreeable [or less disagreeable, I should say ;-) ].

Saturday, May 29

More from "Who Is My Self?"

More notes from "Who Is My Self? A Guide To Buddhist Meditation" by Ven. Ayya Khema.

"Being concentrated in this way is of great benefit to the mind because it eliminates discursive thinking. All our hopes, plans, worries, fears, likes, and dislikes are set aside. It is the one way of being truly at ease, and we can do nothing better for ourselves."

Sounds good to me!

Who Is My Self?

Friday, May 28

Happy Birthday

If I recall correctly, this date, May 28th, is the birthday of my childhood neighbor and best friend, Kyle Quick. I have not seen or heard from him in... what is it? 20 years? 21? I imagine that my hospitalization wasn't something he could handle. His brother Tom came to visit once, but Kyle, never. Oh well. We had pretty thoroughly drifted apart long before then, so I share in the responsibility for that parting of the ways... Anway, sincerely, happy birthday, Kyle.

Wednesday, May 26

Letting Go

"But the way of the spiritual life is through renunciation, relinquishment, letting go not through attaining or acquiring. Even the jhanas* are relinquishments rather than attainments. If we relinquish more and more, letting go more and more, then the jhanic states are natural."
--Ajahn Sumedho, "Only One Breath" in "The Way It Is"

Tuesday, May 25

Intense Rapture

This morning's sitting began with a period of metta bhavana using the "golden light" method I learned from Leigh (which he learned from Ayya Khema). I had done this yesterday, too. Then, after shining that light on me, Leigh, Gini, Mom, Chris, Laura & Rusty, our neighbors, Prestwick Chase, the neighborhood, Saratoga, New York state, the USA, North America, the Western Hemisphere, the whole world, the whole universe, all beings in all realms, heavenly, human, hellish realms... after all that, I moved to anapanasati, mindfulness of breathing. Particular attention was paid to the gap between the outbreath and the next inbreath, because I recalled that this gap is where discursive thinking tends to arise. Attending to that gap allowed concentration to arise more quickly, without getting lost & distracted. "'Experiencing the whole body [of breath], I shall breathe in, experiencing the whole body [of breath] I shall breathe out,' thus he trains himself." (Step 3 of anapanasati) There began to be some uncomfortable energy in the body and I was about to call it quits, but I made myself keep sitting and the energy exploded into rapture [piti]. Very intense. Not to be excessively vulgar, but it was rather like a full-body orgasm... Oh my... After it all faded, I did the method for ending a sitting that Leigh recommends, which I remember using the mnemonic device RIIMM:

Recapitulation - what happened, how did it happen
Impermanence - all these high, but mundane, states have passed
Insights - were there any? what were they?
Merit - dedicate the merit of this practice for the liberation of all living beings
Mindfulness - resolve to go about the day with mindfulness in all activities

There was one insight. When I was about to call it quits: I've done that A LOT. Just when it starts to build, I've often called it quits just then. My aversive tendencies, I guess. Most likely it's due to fear, the fear of letting go into it, the fear of the flood of rapture, the inundation: it's the fear of drowning, of "Me" being utterly overwhelmed...

What a silly fear.

Sunday, May 23

Open Up

Watched "Bend It Like Beckham" last night. What a delight! What a joy!

How long has it been since I smiled with mouth open, showing teeth, a big, broad, bright smile? Feels really great. Not like that weak, barely-there half-smile I've come to affect habitually... What a difference real joy makes.

There was no closed captioning for this movie, and no option for subtitles, so it was necessary to concentrate harder to make out the words. Concentration... I felt much more presesnt after the movie, and continue to feel so this morning -- the gaps between moments of mindfulness are smaller, giving the impression that there's more continuity of mindfulness. Last night especially, this led to feeling much more awake and energized, more here.

I recall what Leigh said once in private interview, about boisterous, joyful people (Greeks, was it?) at a retreat he gave abroad -- they easily popped off into the first jhana. And on a separate occasion he said to let the metta make me almost-giddy...
Bend It Like Beckham
Oh, and "Bend It Like Beckham" had a very excellent soundtrack, too.

Saturday, May 22

Currently Playing:

"So-Called Chaos" the new CD by Alanis Morissette.

V. good. Very, very good. In fact, I love it.

So-Called Chaos.

On the First Foundation of Mindfulness

On the 1st foundation of mindfulness -- kayanupassana -- mindfulness of the body

14 practices

1. Mindfulness of breathing
2. Four postures (walking, standing, sitting, lying down)
3. Mindfulness & clear comprehension in *all* activities
4. Parts of the body (head hair, body hair, nails, teeth, skin, etc...)
5. Four elements (earth, water, fire, air; or, solidity, liquidity, temperature, motion)
6. - 14. Cemetery contemplations (9 of 'em, corpse in progressive stages of decay)

Practice Satipatthana!

Excerpt from a talk by Leigh Brasington, on the four foundations of mindfulness (satipattha), transcribed from tape 2 of the "Satipatthana and Jhanas" retreat at BCBS, April 2002.

"...'This is the direct path' seems to be a better way of phrasing it. 'This is the path that leads in one direction only.' Part of it is due to the fact that if you practice the four foundations of mindfulness, it will take you towards insights: insights of the type that are necessary to gain enlightenment. Other elements of the Buddha's teaching may or may not take you that way. For instance, practicing the jhanas may take you toward enightenment or may take you down a dead-end alley where you're just sitting there getting high. OK? So some of the things that the Buddha taught will take you toward enlightenment if they are applied properly, such as concentration. Some of the things the Buddha taught will lead you towards enlightenment inevitably, such as the four foundations of mindfulness."

Oh man, oh man, oh man. Recognition strikes hard: I've been just sitting there getting high (or trying to). Oh man. No wonder there hasn't been much progress since April 2002... Gotta get back to satipatthana.

Info About IMS Retreat In July

July 17-25 2004 @ IMS

Vipassana Retreat
Christina Feldman & Rodney Smith

Course code: CF
Deposit $175

Sliding Scale $520 $460 or $400 (depending on one's ability to pay)

Notes on "Who Is My Self?"

Notes on the book "Who Is My Self? A Guide to Buddhist Meditation" by the late Venerable Ayya Khema.

Perhaps inadvisedly skimming over the early sections, picking up with chapter 3, "Setting Aside the Hindrances." (emphasis mine, in all cases)

from section 1, on Worldly Desire:

"All dukkha comes from desire, and the more we want something, the more dukkha we have. Even to think, 'I want a good meditation' is a worldly desire."

p. 28
"We must be careful not to fall into the trap of a tight, intense wishing for results. That in itself is dukkha and arises from worldly desire: 'I want this; I want it badly.' Any such longing should be dropped. There is nothing to be desired; there is everything to be done. We recognize what is necessary, what the task in hand is, and we simply carry it out."

from section 2, on Ill-Will:

"Ill-will is entirely counterproductive, both in our everyday lives and when we sit down to meditate. This is why we should begin every meditation with thoughts of compassionate love for the welfare of all living beings, starting with ourselves."

"Some of us find it very difficult to love ourselves. We are full of self-criticism and self dislike. If this is the case, then it will be even harder for us to let go of our desires, for somehow we believe that gratifying desires will make us feel good about ourselves and thus produce the missing link, namely self-acceptance and self-compassion. But no gratified desire will ever do that. It simply produces more dukkha, because it is recurrent, demanding to be satisfied over and over again. The missing link can only come through the practice of loving-kindness toward ourselves, in spite of everything we know about ourselves. Only then, in fact, will we be able to love others, without criticism or judgment."

Man, why don't I just type out the whole book??!! It's all so amazingly quote-worthy...

"Perfectionism has no place in compassionate love."

I'll repeat that, because I need to remember this vitally important maxim: "Perfectionism has no place in compassionate love."

"The unnecessary concept that things and people ought to be perfect creates tension and constriction because it arouses a want. By dropping this false ideal, and thereby letting go of the desire, we will experience much relaxation and relief."

Gosh, I really ought to thank Sophie. I'm studying this book again (and making notes) because she's started to read the copy I gave her. Isn't it interesting, how generosity continues to shower blessings even beyond the initial gift... Interesting, too, how I was drawn to exactly the chapter containing the reminders I needed most just now... Interesting...

Tuesday, May 18


Difficult sitting this a.m. Lots of chest pain, at times very sharp and intense. Difficult to concentrate, as there was nowhere to center the attention comfortably. Mind all over the place as a result.

Monday, May 17

Today's Tangents

Today provided a pleasant reminder that I am -- as Gini has noted -- very much of the Carl Rogers "lifetime learning" mindset. I love new information; I still have that instense curiosity about the world. This morning, a stray remark about the UNIX cURL command in a discussion about musical mashups on MonkeyFilter led to learning things about UNIX on the Mac, using the Terminal, as well as spinoffs into The Jargon File, hacker culture (hacker in the good sense of one who loves innovation & exploration)

The Gift was never lost or even diminished -- Dad was utterly wrong about that. And now, with a great computer and all of the Internet available, I can play & learn & explore to my heart's delight.

Sunday, May 16

HTML-Named Character Entity

I ♥ Gini!

Sunday Morning Sitting, Part One

After the morning's endorphin therapy, sat for about 30 minutes doing metta with directional pervasion. I really like directional pervasion because

But then again, I still like the "breaking down the barriers" method at times, so I guess it's a case of "whatever works."

This was part one of the sit because I had to go and fill out the menu for our Sunday brunch, so I'm planning to resume the meditation momentarily. A lovely warm glow still resides in the center of my chest, and I can tell joy is nearby.

Roger Ebert's Cannes Report

Roger Ebert reports from this year's Cannes film festival in "A Sense of Urgency -- and Edginess."

Saturday, May 15

Dad's Version

[The following handwritten ms was found in a small spiral notebook in my father's workshop after his death. I typed it out tonight, with a minimum of editorial corrections -- mostly in the way of adding a comma here or there. Note that "giftgiver" varies from singular to plural throughout. Stet.]

The Giftgiver
by Charles H. Kelley (1932-1990)

In the course of time, a child was born, another soul, another helpless infant, dependent on the care of others of his kind. The world took no notice, except to record the facts of his birth and update population statistics by one.

Very early in his existence he found the world hostile to his body. He longed for sleep but it would not come. Everything he touched, or was touched by, caused pain. He sickened and was moved to a place of healing where after weeks of care he gradually grew stronger and his pain subsided. From that point, he was returned to his home and grew into a healthy, normal child, intensely curious and strangely independent of his caretakers.

Once he began to grow it seemed nature was trying to compensate for what had happened. His growth seemed accelerated and he appeared destined to become very special. His desire to learn was matched by his desire to please and he intuitively knew or sensed the moods and minds of everyone he met.

All agreed he was indeed a fine, bright boy who had been endowed with a special gift that would propel him to any height he desired. And so it was. Schoolwork was no challenge, his interests ranged over the gamut of human knowledge and he was happy toying with his golden gift as any child would enjoy a toy that he never tired of and that revealed different sparkling facets as each day passed.

Since the gift was intangible and therefore invisible to the world only a few others knew of the power of the gift and those who knew did not fully understand.

To keep and enjoy his gift it became evident to the boy that he could not share nor express his gift, nor could he use its full power unless he hid the sparkling facets from the world, all the world.

It became a solitary pleasure, but one that because of its power sustained him in his daily life. He sensed danger in withdrawal and by using bits of the gift he reached out to the world but found it dull, lifeless and shallow compared to the world the gift revealed to him, and him only.

It was then that he realized he could not exist in a world that was so foreign to the world in his mind.

He agonized over his dilemma. Life became a charade. He wanted desperately to find his place in the world, but there was no compromise, no solution. Should he renounce the gift or embrace it fully? To renounce it was to extinguish the lights, the sparkling facets and join the others in a drab, gray dance. To embrace it fully was to withdraw completely into the world fashioned by the gift, the world of shining promise and bring, dazzling dreams.

The conflict raged on, silent to the world but a constant, increasing, whirling tumultuous battle to the boy.

There was no blinding flash, no resolution, no plan offered by the gift and gradually the boy began to realize that although he had been given the gift, he could find no way to use it to solve the problem he faced because of it.

It was then that the giftgivers decided to take matters out of the boy's hands. It was decided to take back a part of the gift. It was not intended to be cruel, just practical. Enough was to be taken back to ease the pain, but even in the world of the giftgivers mistakes are made. Too much was taken back, much too soon and as the gift slowly faded, the boy became aware of his increasing loss and his pain became too much to bear. The gift was his hold on life and without it he could not face the void. In his pain and sorrow he sought to free himself from the darkness by slipping into it. And yet this was not to be, for enough of the gift remained to prevent his escape.

Because he could not escape he has endured years of confusion, bitterness, and an unexplainable sorrow.

He is now in a state of suspended animation, aware of what was before and what promise lay ahead, yet keenly aware of what is now. Angry at his loss, yet afraid to be angry, searching his soul yet afraid to search too deeply, and existing in a colorless world where others see the entire spectrum.

What then was the gift? If given once, will it be given again? Is there purpose, a plan, a lesson, or punishment for recipients of the gift. An ability to view the world in a way denied to most? An ability to sense the essence of life denied to most? Or is it as simple as a rush of chemicals through the blood or a flash of electrical impulses in the brain, changing, altering the process of thought, producing bursts of creativity, hope and purpose, and as quickly, bursts of hopelessness, fear and confusion.

The boy had the gift, that wonderful, dazzling view of the days that lay ahead. His life is now a struggle to regain it. Only the giftgiver knows if this is to be, but the struggle continues because the closed door was once opened and the light that streamed in was so bright that even on the darkest of days it casts a glow that must be pursued.

Friday, May 14

Ivy - Long Distance

Ivy - Long Distance
Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.

Dreamy. Ambient. Breathy vocals. Adorable pronunciation.

Dry Insight

Proceeding from something Antony posted, Sakula started a thread on UpasikaTalk about dry insight. Of course I'm tempted to enter the discussion and present the pro-jhana point of view... a little too tempted, perhaps. If I do join in, I'll have to be very metta-ful when I post, so as not to get carried away.

Beddy Bye

Tomorrow our new adjustable bed(s) arrive(s). The delivery window opens at 10:30am.

Now Playing

The CD "Long Distance" by the band Ivy. Dominique Durand's breathy vocals and adorable pronunciation...


Seriously, this is one of the best records I've heard in a long time.

Wednesday, May 12


One hour sitting, metta, to me, to Leigh, to Gini, to Rusty & Laura, to Americans & Iraqis, to Jeff Brooks, to Mrs. Krist down the hall, to all beings... Nice strong metta, but wobbly samadhi. Still nice, though.

This morning, not long after the 8am window opened, the delivery truck arrived with the new home theatre. 50" Digital Light Projection TV & sound system. The delivery went smoothly, but it took me a long time to deal with all the boxes & packing material. At times the apartment threatens to start looking like the old house, and that truly frightens me, so I summon all the energy I can to keep our living space habitable. Not easy when you're tired and hurting, though.

Tuesday, May 11


Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.


Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.

This represents a certain stage of meditation, in which the physical body is filled with cascades of delightful, electric, tingly feeling, and the mind feels light and joyful.


Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.

Self-portrait. Painted after watching the movie, "Frida."


Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.

Look-At-Yourself Blues

Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.


Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.


Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.

The Treason of Images

Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.

This is not a Magritte.

Today's Face

Originally uploaded by upasakabrian.

Which mask do you want to wear today?

Moan, Whimper, Groan

Yesterday Rusty and I spent the afternoon up at the old house, ostensibly just to box up my books and take them to the Old Schuylerville Bookstore for re-selling. The afternoon was long and full of mishap; a lot of painful packing & cleaning -- Rusty did an especially marvelous job of making headway. He seems to be serious about taking us up on our offer to live there as soon as he can make the place habitable. When I went to wet a sponge to clean off an old turntable, I learned there was no water. Downstairs, flipping the switch to restore the pump (something I did innumerable times when Gini and were actually living there) water started spraying everywhere! All over the cellar, all over the bathroom, a deluge. I freaked, panicked, but eventually was able to find the right shutoff valve. Soaked and bedraggled, I must have looked a pretty sad case. Rusty let me the shirt he'd had on under his sweatshirt; what a guy, he'll literally give you the shirt off his back. :-)

Today I'm in an amazing amount of pain, soreness, exhaustion. I wanna do exactly nothing today; even talking to Chris seems like an unnecessary extra thing. But oh well, what can you do.

PS: I'm rethinking my notion of trying to sell the collections of Philip K. DIck books and James Joyce books on eBay. For one thing, the shipping costs would likely be exhorbitant for such heavy boxes of books. And for another thing, my sentimental attachment to these collections turns out to be stronger than I had initially imagined. I have little difficult letting go of all the other stuff we boxed up yesterday (although I did save out all the Thomas Pynchon), but the PKD and JJ stuff, well, those were long phases of my life and... OK, I'll stop trying to justify it, I'm keeping them -- for a while, at least.

Monday, May 10

New Visual Stuff

Interesting new visual phenomena in today's sitting meditation. When samadhi was beginning to strengthen, there appeared... well, it was like a field of particles, like a lot of sand, rushing toward me. Kinda like the jump to hyperspace in "Star Wars". At other times it was like watching a waterfall -- not coming towards me, but vertical.

And after that, there was a definite brightening. This has been happening a lot, and always corresponds with deepening samadhi, so I think this is the light Leigh has mentioned as being one of the signs that you've reached access concentration.


Slight Return

In the shower this morning, I was thinking about making a new (OS X) version of my coin flipper app. If I get a chance later, I'll use the new scanner to scan in both sides of a quarter.


Well, looks like Blogger has had an Extreme Makeover.

Sunday, May 9

Thank You, Bahiya

This morning I again woke up at 6 and couldn't get back to sleep, roiling with emotional turmoil. But after a (seemingly long) time, the memory arose of the "six streams" experience of insight from 2 years ago, the Leigh Brasington retreat. And in that experience of insight, in which in the seeing there was just seeing, and in the hearing just hearing, etc., all the terrible emotional charge was drained off, and all the suffering dispersed and vanished. When in the seeing there is just what's seen, there's no "you" in that, and no "you" with that. This, just this, is the end of dukkha.

For reference, please see both translations of the Bahiya Sutta in the Udana.

"Then, Bahiya, you should train yourself thus: In reference to the seen, there will be only the seen. In reference to the heard, only the heard. In reference to the sensed, only the sensed. In reference to the cognized, only the cognized. That is how your should train yourself. When for you there will be only the seen in reference to the seen, only the heard in reference to the heard, only the sensed in reference to the sensed, only the cognized in reference to the cognized, then, Bahiya, there is no you in terms of that. When there is no you in terms of that, there is no you there. When there is no you there, you are neither here nor yonder nor between the two. This, just this, is the end of stress."
--Udana I.10, translated by Ven. Thanissaro Bhikkhu

Compare this with Ireland's translation:

"Herein, Bahiya, you should train yourself thus: 'In the seen will be merely what is seen; in the heard will be merely what is heard; in the sensed will be merely what is sensed; in the cognized will be merely what is cognized.' In this way you should train yourself, Bahiya. When, Bahiya, for you in the seen is merely what is seen... in the cognized is merely what is cognized, then, Bahiya, you will not be 'with that.' When, Bahiya, you are not 'with that,' then, Bahiya, you will not be 'in that.' When, Bahiya, you are not 'in that,' then, Bahiya, you will be neither here nor beyond nor in between the two. Just this is the end of suffering."
--Udana I.10, translated by John D. Ireland

Friday, May 7

Nicey McNice Nice

Ah, that's more like it. In stark contrast to yesterday's sitting (a half hour of roiling in defilement), today's sitting was much more beneficial, tranquil, temporarily free from hindrances. First directing to myself, then most of the session toward Leigh, it was a much more stable session, not flitting from object to object like before (see earlier post, "Course Correction") but rather converging and remaining, quiet and present. V. good.

Thursday, May 6


glGolf offers mindless relaxation during this time when I need to give thinking a rest. At just $15, it's a bargain.

Good To Go

Compose your face into the impassive mask,
fix the smile in place,
sand off the edge in your voice:
you could almost pass for human.

Tuesday, May 4

Course Correction

In a subtle but true way, my practice has drifted off-course a bit recently. It's become goal-oriented (again), trying only to generate enough samadhi and pleasant feeling for the piti and sukha of the first jhana to arise. And, consequently, that very striving has been keeping that desired state from arising.

More than that, I've been wandering, not really focusing on expansion of metta the way I should. The pleasantness usually does arise, but not much samadhi, because I don't stick with one object for very long, but just sort of drift from one to another.

I feel chagrinned, shocked as if slapped awake. What is needed is more formal structure, I think -- a return to the classical way.

Monday, May 3

The Picard Song

Set course for cheesy hilarity: engage. [Courtesy of MetaFilter]

Remembrance, Relief

During this morning's meditation, memory arose, clarifying the childhood dream that surfaced the morning of April 24th. It wasn't what it appeared to be: the context changes everything. The rest of it -- that I couldn't recall before -- was that Dad was on the toilet in the bathroom and couldn't wake up. That's what was upsetting: that he wouldn't wake up, that he appeared to be dead (or passed out cold).

I feel like celebrating. Once again, things were not as bad as I feared. And I'm free to stop mucking around in childhood memory and get back to work in the present... the work of waking myself up.

Saturday, May 1

Oh Yeah

Oh yeah, and apparently Asperger's is the new ADD/ADHD, the latest fashionable, wildly overused diagnosis, so kindly disregard my semi-hypochondriacal musings about it. Just trying it on in the store, not actually buying it and taking it home.


As embarrassingly adolescent as it is to quote rock lyrics in your journal to express how you feel, Alanis' new single, "Everything," does an admirable job of capturing the wonderment & gratitude I feel about Gini, my good lady wife. With appropriate switching of gender, of course as I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a woman (to the best of my recollection, and leaving rebirth out of the discussion...*ahem*).


I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I'm the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive agressiveness can be devistating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone who's closed down as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
And you're still here
And you're still here

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