Wednesday, January 21
Dizzying meditation this morning, cittas and cetasikas whizzing by, zoom whoosh. Kept coming back to the main object, metta toward DaeJa, but zoom, whoosh, off we go. This is what often happens when I have to interact before doing my morning sitting. Stirred and shaken.
Yesterday's session with Chris yielded a revelation, when I least expected it. I went in not feeling like talking, so I told her that, and we talked about it. :-) But the surprise: we talked about my ongoing tendency to want to punish myself. What's that about? And I opened my mouth and the truth came out: my core belief is that if I punish myself enough, then Dad will love me. We're going to use EMDR to challenge this in next week's session.
Other stuff. I've reached a point where I feel like I'm ready to start forgiving him. Chris reminded me that forgiveness is a process; it's not something I'm going to do once and that'll be that; it'll require repeated application. But I acknowledged that I'm not ready to forgive Beth yet.