Thursday, January 1
I wish I had blogged this earlier, when it was fresher in my mind, but we had to go to the New Year's Day buffet.
The interview by phone with DaeJa -- she referred to it as "Inquiry" and as "Dharma Dialogue" -- was quite amazing. I cannot recapitulate the whole thing, but we spoke of what I've been dealing with in therapy, the abuse stuff. She encouraged me to meet it, to invite it, and to see it as the suffering of the world.
She felt that it was important for me to look at the anxiety I have around being a caregiver, that it would be important for me to let someone else in. She said she had a feeling that this was about old conditioning, and not about Gini at all. I didn't say it, but I'm sure this stuff comes from Dad, this exaggerated feeling of duty & responsibility, that I would be failing if I accepted help...
She suggested that I needed to let my attention move lower down into my body, she said somehting about an intimate connection with the dharma. She mentioned sweeping It was during one of those times when it seemed to be coming through her intuitively, like she was channeling. I didn't quite follow, and said that what came to mind when she said that was how I tend to rush past certain parts of the body during sweeping. This led to talking about the sexual energy, and how I've compartmentalized things. There's a split there, into acceptable and unacceptable. She encouraged me to lie down and do a liesurely sweep of the body, and to invite more consciousness of the body, invite more awareness, and be present for all of it. And if that energy was stirred up, I could invite awareness of that, without necessarily acting on it for relief or release. She said, "I say that without any judgment." Instead of very narrowly focusing on the heart center like I've been doing, I should allow a more open awareness, allowing.
She said the body centered awareness would be a good accompaniment to the work going on in therapy, and I think Chris would agree with that.
As we were closing, she took on that dreamy, oracular quality again, and said that this year was going to be a wonderful one for me.
An important realization is that I've been treating this abuse stuff as something I want to get through, to get it over with so that I can get back to the real practice. But this is the real practice. Right here, right now. This is it.
I saw that wanting to get back to "the real practice" meant wanting to go back to when it was pleasant. But the real refuge is in the awareness that knows the pleasant and the unpleasant and therefore transcends pleasant and un-.