Friday, December 19
Possessed by the Pain Body
Metta from about 7:50 to 10:10, with a 10-minute break around 8:50 for more bowel trouble.
The metta is there, and there's warmth in the heart center, but poisonous thoughts still arise, hateful thoughts (literally, full of hate) that lead to affliction. Yes, they arise and pass away, but...
And then there's this urge to punish, this wish to deprive. To not see "Return of the King." To not bring my computer to my mom's house for the Xmas visit, or my drawing materials, or anything that I enjoy. To not go to the Cloud Mountain retreat next August, and to cancel the BCBS retreat in April. To not go on any more retreats, ever. To not ever do anything that's good for me, anything that will be beneficial. To make myself feel worse and worse, until I finally beat myself entirely into the ground, leaving nothing but a stain.
Yeah, that urge. I guess Chris would call this (using Eckhart Tolle's terminology) the Pain Body.
These are just thoughts. They arise and they pass away. Just streams of information.
This is dukkha. The cause of this dukkha is craving for non-existence, vibhava tanha. The cessation of this dukkha would be the cessation of this very craving. The path of practice leading to the cessation of this dukkha is the Noble Eightfold Path, consisting of Right View, Intention, Speech, Action, Livelihood, Effort, Mindfulness, and Concentration. Thus have I heard.