Sunday, November 16

Tonight was a first. I was in the Uposatha Chat, and such anger arose about comments made by Greg Dahlin that I just bowed out. I paraphrased Ajahn Sumedho, that sometimes metta means refraining from saying something hurtful, so in that spirit I just up-and-left.

My heart was beating so hard and fast it hurt.

Never split from a chat like that before. Equal parts embarrassed, shamed, and pleased. Also never had been so honest about how I was feeling. I used "I statements." That felt good. Satisfying to no longer worry about playing the part of the good Buddhist, which often times has involved hypocrisy, fawning, or just plain pretending to like somebody I really can't stand. No more. Tired of that. Gotta be honest, or else what's the point?

There's still a huge chest pain.



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