Thursday, November 27
Films About Ghosts
"If dreams are like movies
Then memories are films about ghosts
You can never escape,
You can only move south down the coast
--Adam Duritz, Counting Crows, "Mrs. Potter's Lullaby"
Well, even though it's not meditation, important work is being done...
My sitting meditations have turned into horrorshows lately. I try to do metta, but I see these visions of violence (physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual) that were done to me. Chris has (FINALLY!) given me the practical advice I've needed to handle this stuff. It involves "inner child work" and although I still cringe at the term, the truthfulness of it can't be denied.
So I validate what he shows me, I acknowledge it and say, "God, that must have been awful. That must hurt have so much. You must have really been scared." And that seems to help. I said, "I love you," and that brought shudders and tears, so clearly there's something to all this. It's real.
But finally acknowledging this stuff just seemed to encourage him, so he kept showing me more and more, faster and faster. And it was too much, I was overloaded. Tried to negotiate a slower pace. "Yes, I will look at this stuff, just not all at once, OK? A little bit at a time."
I'm starting to become afraid to meditate, because I know the show will start and pull me away. But I guess it's OK. For now, it's what I have to be doing. Really not optional. This stuff has to be resolved before I can make any more forward progress on the Path.
Yelling "stop!" or trying to push it away was so much more painful. This still hurts, and it's exhausting, but accepting is better than resisting.
Is it that I have to become a loving father to my inner child? One who will pay attention and love and accept and nurture?
OK, here's the worst thing, the thing that made me say, "OK, I can't do anymore now." I saw that I have been the victim of a great deal of violence. Many attempts on my life have been made. Now, there may be some other people involved in a few of those instances, but the great preponderance of violence that has been done to me has been perpetrated by... me. I tried to kill myself so many times, and have hurt myself so many more times than that. I still keep hitting myself, and thinking about cutting myself... So much pain! And I'm really really really really really ( x infinity) sorry for that. There is a great deal of healing needed. Not only did my family -- those who were supposed to protect & nurture me -- harm me, but I harmed me. I need to make amends for that, and I need to heal from that. Just seeing it and acknowledging it is a good start...
God, in the above paragraph, where I wrote that I was "really, really, really (etc.) sorry," I initially forgot to include the word "sorry." Just skipped right over that part. Such a little word: only two syllables, five letters. Such a little thing. Woopsie! Wow. Excuse me, Herr Doktor Freud, your slip is showing.
Come to think of it, that's not so much a slip as an omission, but still: point made and taken.
This process is like dealing with ghosts, like in the movie, "The Sixth Sense." The inner child (actually there seem to be a whole bunch of them, Bri at various ages) is like one of those ghosts: whether it's an angry ghost or a sad ghost or a scared ghost, it just wants to be heard. It just wants someone to listen.