Tuesday, November 18

Fear that I went too far in being honest with what I wrote to Bhante and Khanti-Khema this morning. Much more blunt and strong than my usual fawning obsequious style. But to be told that what is happening isn't really what's happening creates an excess of cognitive dissonance.

I'm fully prepared to withdraw from that group if need be.

I'm so tired of riding these waves. I long for calmer waters.

My chest is filled with the sensations I've long associated with depression, when anger has turned inward. Awful. Lots of aversion. Make it go away.

This feels EXACTLY like I felt at the Metta retreat at IMS in June of 2002. EXACTLY. So maybe I'm just flooded again.

I tried putting the emphasis back on anapanasati in this morning's sit. Concentration was poor, and I was swamped most of the time. A few moments of clarity, but mostly the opposite.

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